“My Coaching Client ‘Ghosted’ Me”

“I just ran a discovery session and my client said she wanted to enroll…”

“…but I haven’t heard back from her.”

I asked… “Why do you think that happened?”

Sylvia (a coach I’m mentoring) answered…

“I don’t know why.”

“I really thought she loved our coaching session.”

“She said that she couldn’t wait to get started.”

“I sent her an email and a text to follow up…”

“…But it’s been 2 weeks, and… nothing.”

ME: “Is this the first time a potential client ghosted you?”

HER: “I’ve run 20 – 30 discovery sessions…

“They tell me how ‘amazing I am’ during the session.”

“Whenever I follow up, I can’t get hold of them, and they don’t return my communications.”

“After a few weeks of this, I feel so awkward about bothering them…

…that I gave up enrolling them.”

Sylvia was feeling like she wasn’t much of a coach.

How could she be?

She wasn’t enrolling anyone.

“I think everyone is lying to me when they say I’m a good coach…

…since I’m obviously not good enough for them to enroll with me.”

“I’m starting to question whether I should be a coach at all.”

“Maybe I’m just not cut out for this.”

Needing to be liked or validated is approval seeking behavior…and that’s unattractive coaching.”

I told Sylvia, “Not true.”

“I think you just need a few simple changes.”

“First, did you call this prospect at any time after the coaching session?”

She said, “No, I don’t want to call her…”

“…because I’m afraid that she’ll think I’m pushy or desperate.”

So I asked, “Did you set a deadline for her to enroll in coaching?”

Sylvia answered, “No, I told her she can start anytime.”

Later it came out that Sylvia avoided setting a deadline for her client to enroll in coaching…

…because of her fear of upsetting her client.

Sylvia was so afraid of looking bad to her client…

…that she wasn’t giving her client the very support they deserved.

Sylvia’s first priority was for the client to LIKE her…

…which got in the way of standing for her client’s needs and intentions.

Needing to be liked or validated is approval seeking behavior…

…and that’s unattractive coaching.

There are only 2 kinds of coaching:

Attractive coaching
Unattractive coaching

Attractive coaching enrolls clients and keeps clients working with you.

Unattractive coaching repels clients.

Any coaching that’s needy, pushy, judgemental, fearful, etc….

…is unattractive to potential clients.

Any coaching that’s confident, curious, professional, or supportive…

…is attractive to potential clients.

Sylvia’s fearful action was about to lose her yet another enrollment.

How do you coach attractively?

People enroll in coaching to become the best version of themselves.

The best businessperson.

The best athlete.

The best wife or husband.

The healthiest, richest, happiest, most successful version of themselves.

Attractive coaching is ANYTHING that fulfills on that promise.

If you sell out on that, why should anyone enroll into coaching with you?

Examples of ATTRACTIVE Coaching?

Telling your clients things that they may not want to hear (but need to).
Requiring your client to make their own decisions.
Helping your client’s awareness of their blind spots and tendencies.
Going deep with your client into why they do what they do.
Supporting them to take new actions and limit endless discussion about ‘how they feel’.
Helping them to make commitments and stay accountable.
Confronting your client (in a caring way) when they are falling into bad habits.
Listening for what your client means, not just the words they use (reading between the lines).
Making your client do their own “pushups” (Personal Trainers don’t workout FOR us).
Being “present” (in the moment) with your client.
Asking questions instead of giving your client the answers.
Following up where warranted.

Any coaching that’s confident, curious, professional, or supportive…is attractive to potential clients.”

Examples of UNATTRACTIVE Coaching?

Saying “I’m sorry” all the time.
Talking too much (nothing communicates anxiety more than talking too much).
Letting your client’s excuses stop them without saying anything.
Letting your client not answer your questions (deflecting or changing the subject).
Letting your client blame other people for their situation (playing the victim).
Delivering endless free sessions without requiring the client to pay you.
Letting clients no-show or cancel sessions without confronting them.
Hiding out in email when you should make a phone call instead.
Editing yourself (not confronting a client) because you don’t want to upset them.
Letting your client say “I already know that” when they aren’t taking action on it.
Letting your client make you jump through hoops (like you are their waiter).
Jumping to conclusions, rather than finding out what’s really going on.
Letting your client be late, unprepared, or distracted during their coaching sessions.
Letting your client dwell on the past or future too much.
Buying into your client’s excuses.

Any coaching that’s needy, pushy, judgemental, fearful, etc….is unattractive to potential clients.”

Sylvia’s version of unattractive coaching was emailing her client when a phone call was required.

…she was trying to avoid conflict.

…she was approval seeking.

And, as a result…

…she was easily ignored.

Sylvia was selling out on coaching, her client, and herself…

…and she didn’t even know it.

She asked me “So I’ve been using unattractive coaching?”

ME: “If your follow up is DRIVEN by avoiding conflict or approval seeking…

Then you’ll come across as needy or desperate…

…and THAT is unattractive.”

HER: “That explains why I haven’t heard back from her.”

ME: “Are you willing to deliver more attractive coaching?”

HER: “I don’t know if I can. Is that authentic? Do I even have what it takes?”

ME: “You already put energy into behaving attractively in many other parts of your life…

…so why wouldn’t you put similar energy into being an attractive coach?”

“Behaving attractively already makes your life easier.”

“You already practice good hygiene, use clean clothes, etc”

“You use makeup and comb your hair.”

“You’re polite and friendly, right?”

Sylvia said, “YES. of course.”

Attractive coaching enrolls clients and keeps clients working with you.”

ME: “And you’re obviously just as committed to coaching as the rest of your life, right?”

HER: “I think I get it. Coaching is not about my own selfish concerns.”

“To coach attractively, I’ve got to set my own fears aside…

…and do what’s best for my client.”

ME: “YES. and, If you don’t take your client’s enrollment decision as a personal rejection…

…you’ll display a level of confidence that is VERY attractive to a client.”

HER: “OK, I’m going to follow up with my client by phone today.”

A short time later Sylvia reported back to me:

“I called my client.”

“She apologized for not getting back in touch with me.”

“She thanked me for following up and said things had been crazy at work…”

“Then she signed up for 6 months of coaching!”

I said “Congratulations on your new client! How does that make you feel?”

Sylvia answered, “I feel courageous and proud.”

“I did what is best for my client, even though there was a chance they might say ‘no’.”

I said, “THAT’S attractive coaching.”

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