One of the main premises in, âThe Art of Warâ…
…is âKnow Thy Enemy.â
If you want to win the warâŠ
…you must learn everything possible about your adversary.
The same goes for building a coaching practice.
Iâm not talking about your âcoaching competitionâ.
Iâm talking about your WORST enemy.
…the source of your own limitations.
And this enemy is even harder to pin down because itâs INSIDE YOU.

I have faced my own âinner enemyâ many times.
She robbed me of timeâŠ
…energyâŠ
…and even threatened my health.
My mind is guilty of pushing me toâŠ
- clean my house instead of working on my coaching business.
- blame others (or my circumstances) for problems I was 100% responsible for.
- elevate my cholesterol by over-indulging in ice cream.
Each time my mind gets the best of me, thereâs one common thread:
Instead of facing my emotionsâŠ
…Iâve Buffered.
…Iâve intercepted my painful emotions instead of facing them.
…Iâve separated from the emotions that felt unsafe.
…Iâve moderated the pressure of those emotions.
I call it âBUFFERINGâ for short.
Whatâs buffering?
Buffering is a survival mechanism that everyone uses from time to time.
Buffering is distracting yourself from a problem by doing something that feels safeâŠ
…instead of addressing a problem head on.
When buffering, rather than sorting through your feelingsâŠ
…you numb your emotions and hide from them.
Some common ways to buffer includeâŠ
- Over-drinking to avoid social anxiety
- Blaming other people for your problems
- Watching TV when you have work to do
Buffering feels good in the momentâŠ
…but the net result is negativeâŠ
…because youâre not getting what you really need.
Buffering always means you miss out.
Buffering always means you lose in the long term.

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This is one reason why people come to coaching.
They donât face the âhard thingsâ in their life…
…and so they get âstuckâ.
They come to YOU to help them get âunstuckâ.
What they donât usually realize?
Their coach is mostly there to get them to face that SAME âHARD THINGââ.
So, if your job as the coach is to help your clients with their own âhard thingsâ…
âŠyouâll need to start with YOU.
Why?
Because itâs really hard to help someone do something that you yourself havenât done.
Because the journey to find and help your best clients is riddled with âhard thingsâ.
Because youâre the coach who walks their talk.
So, letâs get into it : )
When you need to do something hard, scary, or risky, there are 3 choices:
CHOICE 1: React / Distract
This is when the emotion is completely in charge of you. You bounce off the emotion like a pinball off a bumper.
Think of reacting like ârunningâ from an emotion.
Running means youâve given in to the urge to buffer.
…eating the ice cream
…or getting up from what would otherwise be a productive work session.

Itâs obvious that this choice slows progress toward your goals; but there are also negative side effects:
Physically:
By over-eating, over-drinking, or under-sleeping, you end up overweight, hung over, or too tired to be effective.
Emotionally:
By failing to make progress toward your goals, youâll risk ongoing anger and resentment.
Have you ever blown up at someone for a somewhat minor request?
Thatâs often because you know you are about to rob yourself of the opportunity to take care of your own business.
CHOICE 2: Resist
Think of this as the âwillpowerâ or the âwhite knuckleâ approach.
When resisting you might use willpower and…
…force yourself not to eat the ice cream.
Or……force yourself to just âpush throughâ challenges without being effective.

Whatâs lost when you just âresistâ the emotion?
You still ignore the core issue⊠whateverâs at the root of that troubling emotion in the first place.
The problem with that?
The core issue stays around, bothering you again and again.
And, eventually, even the most âhigh disciplineâ people succumb to the pressure and fall back into reactionâŠ
…drinking, eating, distracting themselves, etc.
The point around RESISTANCE?
Willpower alone is unsustainable.
âWhat you resist…persists.â
âWhat you resist…persists.â
Instead of working through your issues, you end up repeating the pattern⊠often subconsciously.
CHOICE 3: Allow
Allow the urge.
Allow the pain.
Allow it to be âhardâ
Allow the fear.
Allow the risk.
Allow the problem.
…and then, for the first time, you can authentically work through it.

Allow yourself to feel the feeling without hiding from it:
- Where do you feel the urge in your body?
- What is its shape?
- Color?
- Temperature?
- Consistency?
Lean into the feeling and accept it.
This doesnât âkillâ the problem (as in RESISTING)…
…or make you feel better immediately (as in REACTING/DISTRACTING).
But as you meditate on ALLOWING…
…the intensity of the problem will subside, and eventually pass.
And, even if it doesnât, that issue will no longer LIMIT YOU.
Thatâs the point of ALLOWING, breaking through and surpassing your LIMITS.
Unless you ALLOW the issueâŠ
…you wonât see the issue.
Unless you SEE the issueâŠ
…you can’t work through the issue.
Unless you WORK THROUGH the issueâŠ
Nothing changes.
That part of your life will be like driving with the parking brake on.
It takes a lot more energy and the results are much slower.
Which is your âgo toâ option when the stakes are high?
Do you…
React, run, and distract yourself?
Resist and force yourself through?
Or, do you allow the difficulty?
Allowing emotions is the only path that opens the door to actually processing them.
Processing them leads to real awareness.
And, awareness is the only path to becoming mentally stronger.
Mental strength isnât about measuring FORCE, like in physical strength.
Itâs about
- Capability
- Resilience
- Perseverance
- Agility
- Flexibility
…and growth.
Think about itâŠ
The most mentally âstrongâ arenât more forceful with their mind.
They donât âoverpowerâ themselves or others to prove mental strength.
But…
- They adjust quickly and easily.
- They stay the course when it renders no short term rewards.
- They become MORE than who they were yesterday.
Thatâs mental strength.
No biceps required!
How can you use this âallowingâ to break through your limitations?
Remember, allowing is about SEEING.
Once youâve allowed the issue, you can see with clarity for the first time.Here are 3 things you can âseeâ once youâve âallowedâ:

SEE THE ENEMY:
You can see the problem and the pattern.
- See your emotion that comes with the problem.
- See your pattern of behavior.
See it all⊠in exquisite detail.
For example:
When Iâm feeling uncertain I take a break to scrub the kitchen:
- Iâm letting fear stop me in my tracks.
- I donât like the uncertainty as it feels uncomfortable.
- I make up a story like, âI donât have timeâ or âThe kitchen is a messâ to justify my behavior.
One way to help with âseeing the enemyâ is to write everything down.
You get bonus points for locating WHERE this pattern typically takes place. Post your written observations where you see it (use a sticky note).
Thisâll help you âseeâ the pattern more quickly.
SEE THE CONSEQUENCES:
Allowing the issue and emotion opens up the opportunity to see the consequences of this emotional enemy:
- Look into the past, present, and future… Can you see the consequences this enemy has brought you?
- Look at yourself, your emotions, and your life⊠See any consequences?
- Look at the people around you⊠See any consequences for them?
What else can you see this enemy costing you?
- Time?
- Money?
- Relationships?
- Your dreams & goals?
Whatâs the emotional cost of this enemy?
See the pain you will experience if you donât change this enemy and the pleasure you will experience if you do change.
Go Deep with this⊠Itâs worth it.
People go through HELL simply because they couldnât see those consequences in advance.
AND, people experience HEAVEN through keenly noticing the consequences of their actions, patterns, and issues with a little âforesightâ.
SEE THE CHANGE:
Allowing the issue to appear, in all itâs detail, makes needed changes obvious.
- What alternative plans can you see?
- What can you see that might remove barriers for you?
- What mistakes can you see that you wonât allow in the future?
NOTE: When you catch these mistakes⊠celebrate.
Celebrating your seeing a mistake will motivate you to see more of your challenges instead of resisting or reacting/distracting.
There are parts of the coaching business that can seem like a battle.
How do you go from survival to winning the battle?
Allow the enemy onto the battlefield.
See the enemy clearly when it appears.
See the consequences of that enemy.
And see the new plan that could arise from all that awareness.
Then just follow through.
Do this as though your life depends on it…
…because it does.
It matters to youâŠ
…your coaching businessâŠ
…and the lives of everyone you touch.
Colette âConsequencesâ Coiner
Dr. Colette Coiner, PCC, PT, DPT, FAAOMPT
Associate Dean, Master Coach University
drcolettecoiner@coachestrainingblog.com
858-232-3739
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