Been thinking about starting a coaching business, but feel like you’re “not ready” to coach?
Why do some coaches stop, even when intending to go for it?
Have you ever tried to coach a client that feels like they’re not ready for something? Why do people become a “deer in the headlights” when starting?
Today I’m going to give you a peek inside one of my coaching sessions that focused on overcoming fears around starting a coaching business. In this session I use Accountability Coaching techniques to cause the breakthroughs.
The session involves Eve, a coach who was stuck in her coaching business because she felt like she wasn’t ‘ready’…
The video above (and transcription of the session below) gives you a peek at Eve’s transformation and breakthrough with what was really stopping her in her business.
I’ve also included some commentary throughout the session where you’ll learn some inside secrets of how I coached her through these challenges…
In the session, we’ll discuss:
- 2:17 Starting a Coaching Business: Why You’re “Not Ready”
- 4:01 What Gets Coaches Off The Hook For Their Cowardice
- 7:22 The Cost of Hiding Your Fear
- 15:54 The Limitless Possibilities That Stem From Being Yourself
- 18:44 The “Mindful Fear” Technique
- 31:12 The “I am Afraid” Success Poster
You can click on the above timecodes to watch that particular section of the video (or scroll to that heading in the transcription below), but I suggest reading through (or watching) the entire session to get the full experience of the session.
We start the session when I’ve just found that this coach was blowing off her business, even when she’d publicly committed to taking a specific amount of action to grow it (Eve had committed to a certain number of phone calls to grow her business).
I’ve just asked her how many calls she had made (Eve’s (the client’s) words are in blue, while mine (the coach’s) are in red)…
01:53 Eve: None.
01:53 Jeffrey Sooey: Okay, got it. So what had you not make those calls?
Eve: I don’t know. I [was] looking at the phone and I just blanked out and then…
Jeffrey Sooey: I got it. So when you said, “I [was] looking at the phone and then I blanked out,” do you mean that your intention, when you did that, was to make a call? That was why you were looking at the phone?
Eve: Yeah.
Jeffrey Sooey: Okay.
Starting a Coaching Business: Why You’re “Not Ready”
02:18 Eve: And then I feel, I guess, “I’m not ready”, so I didn’t do it.
02:21 Jeffrey Sooey: Oh, I got it. So the conversation… What had you not do it… is this conversation called “I’m not ready.”
Eve: Right.
Jeffrey Sooey: Got it. Okay, really good.
[[PAUSE SESSION]]
OK, so let me offer some commentary for a moment…
02:32 Did a conversation really stop this coach from taking action?
No, of course not.
But the conversation is a good placeholder for whatever DID stop her.
While she was being, or feeling, or thinking a certain way (running a particular pattern or mental program) that was stopping her from taking action, the surface conversation for her was “I’m not ready.”
For now I’ll treat this as the culprit that got in her way.
02:54 By the way, how many coaches stay stuck or never even get started because they’re in the conversation of “I’m not ready?”
I’ve known many.
And if you think that this could be you, read carefully, because this conversation could be the source of a breakthrough for you.
Enough commentary for now, let’s continue with the session…
03:10 Eve: And then I feel, I guess, “I’m not ready”, so I didn’t do it.
03:14 Jeffrey Sooey: Oh, I got it. So the conversation… What had you not do it… is this conversation called “I’m not ready.”
Eve: Right.
Jeffrey Sooey: Got it. Okay, it’s really good. Okay, so we’re getting clear on what had you not…
Eve: Okay.
Jeffrey Sooey: So really what you’re saying is what had you not make the call is this thing that says, “I’m not ready,” which is not just ‘blanking out’, although I can get why you’d blank out, because if you’re really not ready, if you’re being that you’re not ready, you’re going to blank out…
“Hey, I’m not ready yet. I could not…
I’m not going to know what to say, so I need to blank out, so I can continue to act that out.”
You’re acting out being ‘not ready’ by blanking out.
You’re acting out being ‘not ready’ by blanking out.
Does that make sense?
03:55 Eve: Yes.
Jeffrey Sooey: They’re one and the same [being ‘not ready’ and ‘blanking out’]. They go along with each other.
What Gets You Off The Hook For Your Cowardice
So let me ask you this then, what does the conversation “I’m not ready” cover up that stops you from making these calls, or it stopped you at the time for making the call?
What does it cover up?
[[PAUSE SESSION]]
Some more commentary on this…
04:10 This “cover up” question is a key part of any Accountability Coaching conversation.
Whenever your client is disempowered to follow through on their promises and intentions, they are covering up the cause that stops them (the cause that pulls them back). That doesn’t mean that they are outright lying to you (although that’s always possible), but it means that they are either deceiving themselves, or simply unaware of what’s really stopping them.
04:33 Why would a client who tells you that one particular thing is getting in the way (even though that’s not the thing that’s really getting in the way) be unaware of what’s really getting in the way?
It’s because the client is so busy blaming, or fixing, or focusing on what they say gets in their way, that they don’t take the time or energy to consider that something else is really what’s stopping them.
It’s because the client is so busy blaming, or fixing, or focusing on what they say gets in their way, that they don’t take the time or energy to consider that something else is really what’s stopping them.
In Accountability Coaching, this mechanism is called a “cover up”, because that’s what it does…
It covers up what’s really going on…
…what’s really stopping your coaching client from their goals and dreams.
Enough commentary for now, let’s continue with the session…
05:08 Jeffrey Sooey: What does the conversation “I’m not ready” cover up that stops you from making these calls, or stopped you at the time from making the call?
What does it cover up?
05:22 Eve: What does it cover up?
When you lie that you’re not ready, what does that get you off the hook for?
Jeffrey Sooey: When you lie that you’re not ready, what does that get you off the hook for?
Eve: When I lie… ?
I don’t know.
Maybe sounding stupid?
Jeffrey Sooey: Right.
Eve: Or them not taking me seriously?
05:41 Jeffrey Sooey: Right.
Eve: Or them not responding the way I like…
Jeffrey Sooey: Right. So if you were really ready, they could still not respond to you nicely.
In fact, there are some of them that won’t, right?
And you know that.
You experienced it already (probably).
06:00 Eve: Right, yeah.
Jeffrey Sooey: So if you’re trying to avoid that, or if there’s fear there, or if there’s laziness there, or there’s something else that would have you just want to avoid those things…
…then it’s a lot easier to cover up by saying, “Well, I’m not ready,”…
…because that’s a great justification.
Since not wanting to get a “no” or a bad response from them stopped you (in this case), how are you being that you let that stop you? Because you didn’t let that stop you before, so there must have been a way you started to show up, that’s different than in the past, that had you get stopped by knowing that somebody may not respond the way you want.
06:45 Eve: Maybe I was feeling like, “Can I actually help these people?”
And then maybe, overall, generally thinking that maybe I can’t.
“How can I help them?”
“Why am I even calling them?”
06:58 Jeffrey Sooey: That sounds like it’s back to the “I’m not ready” thing.
Eve: Oh, okay.
Jeffrey Sooey: Do you know what I mean?
It’s like, “Can I help these people? I don’t know. Maybe…”
That sounds like it’s more of the “I’m not ready.”
The question I’m asking is, who are you being that you get stopped by somebody not responding the way you want?
07:18 Eve: a Chicken/Wuss?
Jeffrey Sooey: There you go. Really good.
Eve: Oh, my God!
The Cost of Hiding Your Fear
07:21 Jeffrey Sooey: Do you see the difference between that and not being ready?
If you’re not ready, you could be totally courageous, and go for it, and be successful, and all that kind of stuff…
…Like “I can do whatever I need to do…”
you’ve got this justification for not doing it, which is, “Well, I just wasn’t ready that day. It wasn’t that I was being a chicken,” as you said, “or being a wuss, I was just not ready to do that. I wasn’t ready to make those calls (that I’m scared of making).”
…but you’ve got this justification for not doing it, which is, “Well, I just wasn’t ready that day. It wasn’t that I was being a chicken,” as you said, “or being a wuss, I was just not ready to do that. I wasn’t ready to make those calls (that I’m scared of making).”
07:48 What that gets you off the hook for…
is your cowardice
…chicken
…wussiness…
…whatever you want to use as your favorite term.
It gets you off the hook for that so you don’t have to be responsible for that.
08:04 Eve: Yeah, okay.
Jeffrey Sooey: By the way, it doesn’t mean that fear won’t be there.
But there’s a big difference between having some fear and making a call, and having some fear and then not following through on your word. You could’ve made those calls in an hour or less, it would be done, and whatever would’ve happened from it would’ve happened and you would be (at least probably) stronger for it, if you would put yourself together at that level, and put the energy in to do it.
But the coward, the covering up coward…
…trying to cover up…
…the sense of being a coward, or a chicken, or whatever you would call it, that piece stopped you, because you can’t be a coward and make the call, right?
08:48 And you can’t cover that up and expect to transform it when you’re operating as if, “Well, that’s not me. I just wasn’t ready today,” which was on the surface of that conversation when you stared at the phone and blanked out.
You were covering up your cowardice with the “I’m not ready” conversation.
Do you get that?
Eve: Yeah. Yeah, that’s on point.
Jeffrey Sooey: What’s the impact of that? I mean, other than not making the calls, that’s obvious…
09:15 You didn’t make the calls, right? We know that.
Eve: Right.
Jeffrey Sooey: What is the most egregious impact of covering up cowardice with a lie of “not being ready”?
Eve: I’m just not going to move forward because I feel I’ll never be ready.
Jeffrey Sooey: That’s one of the impacts. You’ll never move forward, but you could still survive just not moving forward. That’s probably one of the reasons why you didn’t make the call.
If it was survival… If it was like, “I cannot survive if I don’t move forward,” you would have made those calls.
So you’ll actually make it through not making the calls, and just not making any progress… But, what is the real cost of [that]?
Forget about the external, like, “I’m not going to get a client from this,” or something like that.
If that’s all you get from having made those calls, then you got the booby prize out of it, because clients come and go.
It’s nice [to get clients].
10:09 I mean, I know that’s what you’re focused on (maybe) right now, but there’s a much bigger thing to lose.
There’s way more at stake in those calls (or not making those calls)…
i.e. The impact of covering up cowardice with this lie… it’s a much, much bigger impact on you than just not moving forward and missing out on business (or something like that).
Could it be that I would know that I didn’t really give it my all or everything that I could?
10:34 Eve: Could it be that I would know that I didn’t really give it my all or everything that I could?
Jeffrey Sooey: Yeah, that’s right.
And if you knew that, and you continued to perpetrate that (which I know that’s not who you are), but if you continued to live like that and operate like that, what would the ultimate loss, or cost, or the most devastating impact be, of allowing that to stay in your life? Allowing that to stick [around] over time, and time, and time?
11:06 Eve: I think I’d feel like a walking contradiction.
Jeffrey Sooey: Okay.
Eve: Being that I would know all these things, but not…
Jeffrey Sooey: Who would you really become if that’s how you allowed yourself to live?
What’s the description you would make for somebody who… like, that’s a nice term to use, “walking contradiction”, but what would be the worst way you’d describe that person?
If you saw them, and you saw how they lived, and you saw how they were acting, and they were talking one way and acting another?
What would be your worst derogatory description, or label, that you would place on them?
Not because you’re mean…
…But if you were to see that in yourself, you would say that, if it was the worst way of describing that…
…[a description] that’s got some real teeth to it, that it doesn’t feel good to say or doesn’t feel good to admit?
[[PAUSE SESSION]]
OK, this part is important, so lemme offer commentary on this…
11:58 Lots of times, clients will try to soften the impact of their issues and cover-ups by softening the language they use when describing the cost and the impact of the issue itself.
They’ll use clinical or technical language like:
- “I’ll be neurotic,”
- “This is duplicitous,”
- “It will become a complex,”
- “It’s inauthentic.”
Or they’ll try to reduce the true intensity of the impact, like, “I’m sad,” or, “I’m just not being honest.”
12:24 It’s understandable, because the full impact of the issue (or cover up) is not comfortable for them. Your client is just trying to retain a modicum of comfort during this coaching session.
However, it’s my job as the coach to get them present to (aware of) the full impact, no matter how uncomfortable it is, because that is what it will take for them to wake up and reassess.
12:43 Why bother changing a pattern when the impact is so minor?
If your client can comfortably live with a problem, generally, they won’t change it.
If your client can comfortably live with a problem, generally, they won’t change it.
They’ll just live with that issue for as long as they can.
That’s where coaching really changes the game for my client if I do my job.
They may have been comfortable before with this issue, but they’re not going to be comfortable with leaving it as it is after our session together, assuming that it’s impact is major (which it usually is, if they’re bringing it up in a coaching session).
Enough commentary. Let’s look at the way I pushed for that raw impact again…
13:13 Jeffrey Sooey: …that’s a nice term to use, “walking contradiction”, but what would be the worst way you’d describe that person?
If you saw them, and you saw how they lived, and you saw how they were acting, and they were talking one way and acting another?
What would be your worst derogatory description, or label, that you would place on them?
Not because you’re mean…
…But if you were to see that in yourself, you would say that, if it was the worst way of describing that…
…[a description] that’s got some real teeth to it, that doesn’t feel good to say, or doesn’t feel good to admit?
13:47 Eve: I can’t come up with a really harsh one. The only thing that comes up is…
Jeffrey Sooey: It doesn’t have to be harsh.
Eve: Oh.
I want it to be…
Jeffrey Sooey: Go ahead.
Eve: I’m thinking a fake, a phony.
14:01 Jeffrey Sooey: Yeah.
Eve: A liar.
Jeffrey Sooey: Okay, there you go. So that sounds harsh… plenty harsh to me, but do you see how those [labels] have some serious teeth?
Eve: Okay.
Jeffrey Sooey: Fake, phony, liar, it’s not like that would really be who you are, but you could start to be that way because of the way that you operated, which was completely divorced from what you were saying, and promising, and really what you’re committed to as well.
14:30 Eve: Right.
Jeffrey Sooey: You’d end up being a fake, being a phony, and so…
What’s at stake?
Again, it’s not about the phone call.
It’s not about the client.
When you’re going to make the call to the business… the business that the voice in your head will say you’re “not ready” for, or that you’ll still have fear about even if you cover it up with that “I’m not ready” thing…
…what is making that call really about then?
What’s really at stake in that call?
14:57 Eve: Pride.
Jeffrey Sooey: [Agrees]
15:00 Eve: My ego again keeps coming up.
Jeffrey Sooey: Okay. What I mean by that is: What’s at stake knowing that if you were not to follow through on that promise consistently, not once or twice (because we could all fall off the wagon every once in a while), but if you knew that you were consistently to allow those [opportunities] to slip past you, and you didn’t follow what you knew was right, and you allowed yourself to end up living as if you were a fake, or a phony, or a liar, or something like that…
…what’s at stake in the phone call then?
15:35 Eve: It sounds like everything that I’ve put into the coaching.
Jeffrey Sooey: In a way, yeah.
Eve: When I’m not calling…
being a phony, is that in alignment with who you really are at the deepest level?
Jeffrey Sooey: And by the way, knowing that who you are in life…
…Is being a phony, is that in alignment with who you really are at the deepest level?
15:52 Eve: Right. No.
The Limitless Possibilities That Stem From Being Yourself
Jeffrey Sooey: And so if you allowed that to be your life, then what would be the impact of that?
What would be the cost of that?
16:02 Eve: I would end not satisfied with coaching just as I did with my previous job, because I wasn’t allowed to be myself.
Jeffrey Sooey: Right.
Eve: Inauthentic.
Jeffrey Sooey: And more than the coaching, or more than the career itself, it would simply be you not being able to be yourself, you not being who you really are.
Eve: Yeah.
Jeffrey Sooey: That’s awful.
Eve: Again, yeah.
16:30 Jeffrey Sooey: You can live or die by your coaching [business].
You could fail or succeed.
But, if you’re not yourself in the process of it, no matter what happens with that, there’s a huge cost right there.
You could call it your soul, or your ego, or your identity, or whatever, but if you’re not you, what else is there to lose?
You could call it your soul, or your ego, or your identity, or whatever, but if you’re not you, what else is there to lose?
Eve: Yeah.
16:54 Jeffrey Sooey: That’s a lot right there.
Eve: Exactly.
Jeffrey Sooey: That’s the impact.
And again, it’s not about the phone call, but that’s the impact of this. That’s the potential impact, in the future, at least, of this cover up of the cowardice.
If nothing else, just let yourself be a coward, and embrace it, and get that, “Okay, that’s me. Now, can I go make that call?”… because in the face of that, you can turn that around and create courage, which is a very, very transformational piece, which is who you really are.
And, yes, sometimes you’re going to be afraid, but that’s why this is a huge opportunity for you.
To be who you really are takes courage, because in this world, there are going to be times when [the world] doesn’t reward you for being who you are.
Does that make sense?
17:42 Eve: Yeah, yeah.
Jeffrey Sooey: So whether it’s rewarded or not, if you can be who you are in the face of that, then what’s the opportunity there?
[[PAUSE SESSION]]
17:49 This is a key moment for the session, so a little commentary…
Did you notice how this negative impact just opened the door to a positive transformation?
We often hear there’s an opportunity for greatness, or growth, or victory inside every issue, or challenge, or limitation, and this is the key crux moment where we find that breakthrough in this session.
Let’s review the beginning of that again, and how I moved the conversation into limitless possibilities for this client to be herself…
18:16 Jeffrey Sooey: That’s the potential impact, in the future, at least, of this cover up of the cowardice.
If nothing else, just let yourself be a coward, and embrace it, and get that, “Okay, that’s me. Now, can I go make that call?”… because in the face of that, you can turn that around and create courage, which is a very, very transformational piece, which is who you really are.
And, yes, sometimes you’re going to be afraid, but that’s why this is a huge opportunity for you.
To be who you really are takes courage, because in this world, there are going to be times when [the world] doesn’t reward you for being who you are.
Does that make sense?
Eve: Yeah, yeah.
18:56 Jeffrey Sooey: So whether it’s rewarded or not, if you can be who you are in the face of that, then what’s the opportunity there?
If you could be who you are, even though you’re not encouraged, or rewarded, or patted on the head for it, what’s possible then?
19:13 Eve: It’s kind of limitless where I can go, if I don’t give up on myself, or hide behind my cowardice.
Jeffrey Sooey: That’s really great.
That’s what’s available to you, then. It’s limitless possibilities.
And that’s who you really are, but it’s just that the world doesn’t necessarily just love you, and give you everything for that, just because that’s what you’re attempting to express initially.
It’s going to take some momentum.
It’s going to take some work, and it’s a battle, and it takes courage, and all those kinds of things, which you’ve shown in the past, and I think that, in this conversation, you’ve also demonstrated that as well.
So I acknowledge you tremendously just for that.
19:54 I think all that there is left to do, is to make, not only this commitment, which you’re welcome to do at this end of this session, re-make that commitment and get back on the horse with it, so you really allow yourself to have that transformation.
20:07 But as important as that (or probably more important than that) is…
…what do you need to commit to so that you transform this pattern of covering up?
Not cowardice, as cowardice is more of just a behavior based upon covering up fear.
People that are afraid, but aren’t going to cover it up… they admit the fear…
…they usually are able to transform it.
It’s the people that are busy covering it up that are the most cowardly of all, because they’re not just in fear, they’re in fear of even dealing with the fact that they’re in fear.
It’s a double fear, if you will.
20:46 So what do you need to do to transform that process that would take your identity, and steal and rob you from the chance to be yourself, in all the limitless possibilities that are possible there?
What do you need to commit to make sure (and once in a while it might get in the way), but what do you need to commit to make sure that, generally speaking, you get past it, or at least you don’t let it hide out, or you don’t give it a place in your life, such that covering up fear ends up causing the fear to steal your life?
What do you need to commit to make sure you keep on your radar screen, or that you head it off at the pass, or that you get in front of it, so you don’t allow this to cause the kind of limitations that you’ve experienced since our last session?
21:40 Eve: I’m not sure.
I’m guessing maybe put it down as part of my baseline** and commit to it on a daily basis, at least a little bit, and I’m not sure if that’s a commitment.
**The “Baseline” Eve if referring to is a concept we teach in the Synergy Private Client program, that means an ever-evolving set of regularly used strategies that constitute the core commitments and activities you must use, outside of all the creative, expansive ideas you can come up with… The baseline is the answer to the question: What’s the ‘baseline’ or ‘basic’ foundation that you’ll come back to, strategically speaking, again and again, in order to succeed.
Jeffrey Sooey: Okay, and so what would the commitment be?
What would you need to commit to as part of your baseline?
21:50 Eve: Calling the businesses?
[[PAUSE SESSION]]
Some more commentary on this…
Here my client is trying to just recommit to the action she didn’t take before. I’m going to attempt to get her to commit to truly transforming what it was that stopped her from taking action in the first place.
That way, she’ll not only do what she skipped out on before, but many other breakthroughs and possibilities will show up, because this thing that stopped her from this one action, it’s also stopping her from many other actions, dreams, and possibilities, in many areas of her life.
That’s why we say that coaching works on many levels, or layers with a client.
There are multiple dimensions of possibility and transformation available out of this one coaching call.
So let’s look at how I encouraged that deeper and more multidimensional commitment that will transform so much more than just her business…
22:41 Jeffrey Sooey: Okay, and so what would the commitment be?
What would you need to commit to as part of your baseline?
Eve: Calling the businesses?
Jeffrey Sooey: Which is great. That’s the specific thing that you already committed to.
I’m talking about, what do you need to commit to transform?
…And by the way, if you just made those calls, you’d probably, in the process, naturally transform this whole “covering up the fear” thing…
You’d probably, just in the process of that, transform covering up the fear, I would guess.
23:11 What I’m asking you for is…
Okay, in order to transform covering up my fear, I’ve got to pick up the phone and make a bunch of calls.”
…what’s the more direct commitment where you can actually make sure that – because the challenge with that is, “Okay, in order to transform covering up my fear, I’ve got to pick up the phone and make a bunch of calls.”
But guess what, if you’re covering up your fear at that time, you’re not going to pick up the phone and make a bunch of calls.
So it’s like a chicken and the egg. Does that make sense?
Eve: Right. Do you mean like admitting the fear?
Jeffrey Sooey: Okay, that sounds like a great commitment.
23:38 Eve: Okay.
Jeffrey Sooey: Is that something you’re willing to do?
Eve: Yeah.
Jeffrey Sooey: It’s really great.
If you just committed to admitting the fear and being honest about that (That’s really what this is about. It’s more about honesty than it is about fear, because everybody has got fear.)…
I’d have fear if I called those businesses, right?
Eve: Okay.
23:56 Jeffrey Sooey: But if you’re honest about it, then cowardice wouldn’t show up because you’d deal with it.
You’d actually see it, you’d admit it, and you’d get real about it, the fact that that’s really what’s going on.
It’s not this “I’m not ready” kind of thing.
That makes total sense, just admitting it. It’s just an honesty commitment, basically, if that’s something that you’re willing to commit to, even beyond the calls…
…and again, I know you’re going to recommit to the calls, and that’s awesome, but besides and beyond that, are you willing to commit that you’re going to be honest when fear comes up for you, at least starting with yourself…
…and just say, “Okay, I’m afraid. That’s what’s happening right now,” and just get that, so you are present to it, and it’s not this other game of trying to get away from that act (as if that doesn’t exist).
24:40 Eve: I hope so. I want to, and sometimes it’s so subconscious I can’t even hear it.
Jeffrey Sooey: Yup.
Eve: You see, I hear my thoughts because I’ve meditated for the past several months.
Jeffrey Sooey: Okay.
Eve: But I didn’t hear it this time.
Jeffrey Sooey: I get it. That makes sense.
By the way, that’s why we had to bring it up in this conversation, because it was hidden from your view for whatever reason.
25:03 Eve: Right, exactly, yeah.
Jeffrey Sooey: Now, you see it, and there’s a commitment there to be honest about that, and it’s just a question of…
What practices can you put in place so that you keep that on your radar screen when you look for it?
My coaching for you on that one is…
…Just keep an eye on it as a part of your ritual.
Put it up on your wall that you’re “afraid”.
Just really get your fear, and the moment you get it, like, you really get it…
Do you get how afraid you are?
Do you get how afraid you are?
25:39 Eve: No. I don’t know what I’m afraid of.
Jeffrey Sooey: Well, I think you shared it.
I mean, you shared one of the fears you had, which is that you don’t get the result that you want when you make the call, right?
Eve: Oh yeah, okay.
Jeffrey Sooey: You didn’t do a good job for on the call, or you couldn’t help these guys…
You made a good list of fears, it sounds like.
26:01 Eve: Oh, okay, fine.
Jeffrey Sooey: You didn’t talk about it as if you were afraid of those, but my guess is…
There’s a good chance that a lot of those probably chalk to that piece.
But, what you did (and here’s a funny thing)…
You just said you don’t get it, but I think what you’ve got in this conversation is…
You got that you were afraid at times, which had you not make calls, because you weren’t present to that fear at the time.
Eve: Right, right, right.
Jeffrey Sooey: So you at least got that.
Eve: Okay.
26:30 Jeffrey Sooey: So I’ll ask you the question again…
Do you get that you’re afraid?
Eve: Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Jeffrey Sooey: Now that you get your fear, you really get your fear, and get you’re afraid, what comes up for you?
What do you notice, now that you get that?
Eve: That it’s illogical, and there’s no reason to not move forward just because you’re afraid.
Jeffrey Sooey: Wow. It’s fantastic.
So that’s the point of the commitment to get this, and to be honest about it, because as soon as you’re honest about it, you can focus on it and give it some attention…
…because really, your fear just wants some attention.
It just wants to be protected.
It wants you to take care of it just like any other part of you, right?
27:17 Eve: [Agrees]
Jeffrey Sooey: So you give it a little attention and immediately… now you’ve got the solution where you’re like, “This is irrational. This doesn’t make any sense. This is not going to help me in any way. Now, I can just get on with it.”
So now, what do you get?
Now that you said that, and now that you get that… now what do you experience?
What are you experiencing right now?
27:37 Eve: I’m feeling stupid because I just talked about fear and not letting it stop me to my client.
Jeffrey Sooey: Yeah, okay. And by the way, it’s not stupid.
That’s just what you said that you didn’t want to be, which was fake.
It’s like saying it to one person and then going and doing the exact opposite of what you said.
Eve: Right.
Jeffrey Sooey: So you get your inauthenticity in regards to what you say versus what you were currently doing in the past, at least.
28:08 Eve: Right.
Jeffrey Sooey: It’s great to get that.
But, what I’m saying is, now that you get what came up for you about fear (how irrational and illogical it is) and you get the inconsistency between what you’ve been telling clients and what you’ve been doing for yourself, what are you now experiencing?
Eve: A little clarity.
Jeffrey Sooey: Nice. That’s really nice.
That’s what was missing when you were staring at the phone and blanking out.
28:37 Eve: Yeah.
Jeffrey Sooey: It’s just clarity, and courage…
But if you were clear on that moment, the calls just would have shown up.
[[PAUSE SESSION]]
28:45 This is where the session comes full circle. My commentary below…
My client finds what was missing in the moment that she blew off her calls, clarity.
If she had clarity in that moment, she would have just picked up the phone and made the damn calls!
Do you see how this is a multidimensional transformation?
If a client just gets themselves into action, that’s powerful, but if they actually get access to clarity (not the concept of it, but literally experience it in the session itself), then imagine all the areas where that would transform their life, their actions, their relationships, their communication, their emotions, and their entire experience.
29:23 That’s what I was looking for inside this ‘mindful fear’ technique…
Getting her access to what was missing for her, such that, if she had it, it would transform everything.
Why did we need to go through that ‘fear awareness’ in order to get there?
Because that clarity wasn’t possible without full awareness and ownership of her fear.
That’s it for my commentary. Let’s read through the wrap-up of this session…
29:42 Jeffrey Sooey: What are you now experiencing?
Eve: A little clarity.
Jeffrey Sooey: Nice. That’s really nice. That’s what was missing when you were staring at the phone and blanking out.
Eve: Yeah.
Jeffrey Sooey: It’s just clarity, and courage…
But if you were clear on that moment, the calls just would have shown up, and whatever to say, and whatever to do to make the best possible future out of those conversations and relationships probably would have come up as well.
That’s all that was missing, but clarity was impossible at that point, because of this thing that you hadn’t noticed. That’s all.
30:21 Eve: Right.
Jeffrey Sooey: So it’s being aware of that, and now you’ve got clarity.
This is really great, and with that clarity, not just anything is possible, because you’re breaking through the fear, and you’re aligned with who you really are…
…but you have the power to do that consistently, because, when you bring that clarity to the table, you can break through fear anytime, because it will cut through it like a knife.
Eve: I hope so.
Jeffrey Sooey: And I get that. I appreciate that uncertainty. That’s a good place to be, you know?
30:55 Eve: Yeah.
Jeffrey Sooey: That’s probably better than just fear that’s been covered up, because, at least now you’re like, “I don’t know what’s going to happen,” which is exactly where you should be, because you don’t know.
But at least you can be clear that you don’t know, and you can have courage in the face of the unknown.
The “I am Afraid” Success Poster
Can you do that now that you get that your fear is not aligned with who you really are?
31:18 Eve: Yeah. I mean, I’ll do everything I can to recognize it.
Jeffrey Sooey: Nice. That’s the commitment that I’m asking you for… just to keep it in front of you.
Don’t forget your fear.
Don’t ignore your fear.
Don’t deny your fear.
Embrace your fear.
Look at your fear, give it some attention, and just be aware of your fear.
Be present to it.
When you’re about to make a call and you start feeling the fear, or the same game comes up (so you don’t have to experience and admit that you’re afraid), be like, “This is my fear. I’m experiencing it right now, and now I can make the call, but I know I’m afraid, okay.”
31:59 If you don’t acknowledge it, then it will be the same game. You’ll blank out and you’ll do this whole hopscotch again.
That’s the commitment I’m asking you for.
Are you committed to do that?
Eve: Yes, definitely.
32:09 Jeffrey Sooey: Great, it’s really good.
put “I am afraid” on a poster and put it on your wall.
So my coaching for you on this is put “I am afraid” on a poster and put it on your wall.
Eve: Okay.
Jeffrey Sooey: You know, they have those success posters that they put on the wall, but your success poster is “I am afraid.”
Eve: Okay. I could do that.
Jeffrey Sooey: And then it will be really hard to forget that shit, you know?
32:32 Eve: Yeah.
Jeffrey Sooey: But put it right by your phone so when you look at the phone and you see that this where you see fear, you’re like, “Okay, yeah, that’s what that’s about. Okay, great. Now, let’s make the call and just get over it.”
Eve: Okay. I’ll do that.
Jeffrey Sooey: All right, it’s really good.
Eve: Thank you, Jeff.
[[END SESSION]]
I Hope you took some great value out of this inside view of how I provide Accountability Coaching to someone dealing with fear.
Do you ever stop yourself from moving forward in your coaching business because you’re ‘not ready’? Is it possibly just FEAR?
How do you break through to take action?
Have you had a client like this? How did you help THEM?
What did I miss? What else might have helped my client?
Put a comment below, and let’s have a conversation about it.
By the way, you can grab your own free step-by-step 30 Days to Become a Coach video tool kit.
Just go HERE now to get your 30-day coaching blueprint videos. You’ll learn more detail on these same Accountability Coaching techniques I demonstrated in this session, other advanced coaching and practice building techniques, and more.
Jeffrey T. Sooey
CEO, JTS Advisors
Founder, Coaches Training Blog community
Great article.
I can not cease telling everyone about how a lot your book has helped my on /off nervousness and subsequent despair.