{"id":26997,"date":"2021-11-27T23:57:24","date_gmt":"2021-11-28T07:57:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/?p=26997"},"modified":"2021-11-27T23:57:26","modified_gmt":"2021-11-28T07:57:26","slug":"3-coaching-questions-that-uncover-bad-rules","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/3-coaching-questions-that-uncover-bad-rules\/","title":{"rendered":"3 Coaching Questions That Uncover Bad Rules"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Sometimes clients come to you really upset\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…about something in their life\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…their family…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…their business\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…or whatever they\u2019re working on with you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They go on with their story\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…and despite anything you say\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…nothing<\/span> seems to help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why are they so upset?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

When this happens\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…the only reason why your client is so upset…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…the only reason why your coaching doesn\u2019t seem to work\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…is because one of your client\u2019s rules has been broken<\/span>.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rules about how life should go\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…how their spouse or children should treat them\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…or what needs to happen for your client to feel ok.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"book<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Rules are so unconscious and automatic<\/span> for your client…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…that it\u2019s hard to see them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your client isn\u2019t going to spontaneously bring up their rules in sessions. Why would they?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The fact is\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your client\u2019s rules are INVISIBLE.<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Invisible to both YOU and YOUR CLIENT.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yet these rules affect every aspect of your client\u2019s life.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The other day I was at the grocery store with my son.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I forgot something…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…so I left him in line for a moment\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…and when I came back, the woman behind us was really upset.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She scolded me, \u201cThere\u2019s a line.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m with him.\u201d<\/em><\/strong> I said, pointing to my son.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then, she began a tirade that I won\u2019t repeat\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…but the upshot was \u201cYour son let that man cut in front of him\u201d.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Clearly my son and I broke a few of her rules<\/span>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I try to notice and understand my client\u2019s rules.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

In her mind\u2026 we were in the WRONG.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And yet, I knew I was RIGHT (according to my own rules<\/span>)…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I let her go in front of us in line anyway (which was allowable under \u2018my rules\u2019<\/span>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then my son asked me, \u201cShould I have tried to stop the man from cutting in front of me?\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I replied, \u201cIt\u2019s okay.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBut mom, what should I do if someone cuts in front of me again?\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I replied, \u201cIt doesn\u2019t make any difference now, honey\u2026 it\u2019s all over.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And finally, exasperated, he begged\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMom, what are the RULES?\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI need to know the RULES!\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And I stopped dead in my tracks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Suddenly, I realized that my son saw something for himself that I never attempted to tell him…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…that HIS WORLD IS RUN BY RULES.<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

And, even more importantly, his LIFE is run by rules<\/span>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And so I answered him very carefully.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHoney, the tricky part is that everybody has different rules<\/span>.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI can tell you MY rules.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI can tell you when you BROKE someone else\u2019s rules.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBut I can\u2019t tell you THE rules\u2026\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201c…because there\u2019s no such thing.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe best you can do is understand your OWN rules, and maybe improve them<\/span>.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAnd then try to notice other\u2019s rules<\/span>.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then he asked, \u201cMom, is that what you do when you\u2019re coaching?\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And, of course, again, he was right\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

…that\u2019s EXACTLY what I do when I\u2019m coaching.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I try to notice and understand my client\u2019s rules.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"pyramid\"<\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Rules that bother them<\/span>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rules that make them rigid<\/span>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rules that motivate them, but stress them out<\/span> at the same time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How do you discover your coaching client\u2019s rules?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

These 4 questions will help you get started:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ask your client…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat has to happen to feel love, happiness, success, etc.?\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

This question will help you discover your client\u2019s VALUE RULES\u2026 rules that serve as \u2018gatekeepers\u2019 to your client\u2019s most valued feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your client complains that they have no love in their life, then ask them \u201cWhat has to happen for you to feel love?\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Their answer will be their RULE for the love that they value<\/span> so much, but aren\u2019t currently experiencing in their life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Make sense?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHow should people treat each other? How should they treat you? What should people do when _____?\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

This line of questioning will help you identify your client\u2019s RULES OF ENGAGEMENT… rules that they use to judge or evaluate other people\u2019s behavior<\/span>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is especially important in your client\u2019s evaluation of behaviour and communication towards THEM.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A guaranteed way to ruffle your client\u2019s feathers is to break their rules of engagement<\/span> towards them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat has to happen for you to feel angry, bothered, frightened, stressed, etc.?\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

This question will help you discover your client\u2019s TRIGGER RULES\u2026 rules that fire off painful emotions for your client<\/span>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your client complains that they\u2019re feeling stressed, then ask them \u201cWhat has to happen for you to feel stressed?\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Their answer will be one of their TRIGGER RULES for stress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWho\/How do you have to be?\u201d or \u201cHow do you have to show up?\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

These questions will extract your client\u2019s IDENTITY RULES\u2026 your client\u2019s ideas about who they need to be<\/span> (whether they think they are, or are not that person).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As you start to identify your client\u2019s rules, you\u2019ll notice that many of those rules make it really hard for your client to enjoy their life, and make it really easy for them to feel lousy.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here are a few ways your client\u2019s rules trap them<\/span>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cPerfectionist\u201d Rules Make Success Unachievable:<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Some rules are not well-founded in reality… focusing on how things should be rather than how they ARE<\/span>…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here are a few examples of how perfectionist rules make it impossible to win:<\/p>\n\n\n\n