{"id":25958,"date":"2021-04-17T22:00:10","date_gmt":"2021-04-18T06:00:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/?p=25958"},"modified":"2021-04-17T22:00:13","modified_gmt":"2021-04-18T06:00:13","slug":"how-to-coach-your-clients-past-their-victim-mentality","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/how-to-coach-your-clients-past-their-victim-mentality\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Coach Your Clients Past Their Victim Mentality"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I just got off the phone with my coach.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">He told me to write this down immediately.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So at the risk of sounding like a total drama queen&#8230;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8230;I\u2019m sending this to you <em>fresh and raw<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>So you (or your clients) never repeat the same mistake I just made.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">After 19 years of trying to \u2018make a marriage work\u2019&#8230;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">My spouse and I just divorced.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I continued to work on maintaining a good relationship with my \u2018ex\u2019 for our children\u2019s benefit\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8230;especially our now 13 year old son.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image is-style-rounded\"><figure class=\"alignright size-large\"><a href=\"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/attachment.jpeg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"512\" height=\"384\" src=\"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/attachment.jpeg\" alt=\"Dr. Colette Coiner and her kids\" class=\"wp-image-25959\" srcset=\"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/attachment.jpeg 512w, https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/attachment-300x225.jpeg 300w, https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/attachment-400x300.jpeg 400w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 512px) 100vw, 512px\" \/><\/a><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">As an experienced executive coach I thought co-parenting with my \u2018ex\u2019 would be easy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>My \u2018ex\u2019 just decided to cancel his ongoing weekend visitation with our son.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Without consulting me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I was pissed, thinking&#8230;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong><em>\u201cHow could he do this?\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p>Obviously he doesn\u2019t even care about his own son!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong><em>\u201cI\u2019ve taken the high road for years with him\u2026\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong><em>\u201c&#8230; I\u2019m not going to take it anymore.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong><em>\u201cI\u2019M DONE!!!\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong><em>\u201cI\u2019m not letting him control me anymore.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In my heart I knew I was vilifying him\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large is-resized is-style-default\"><a href=\"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/victim.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/victim.jpg\" alt=\"Dr. Coiner and her (now) 'ex'\" class=\"wp-image-25960\" width=\"692\" height=\"503\" srcset=\"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/victim.jpg 989w, https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/victim-300x218.jpg 300w, https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/victim-768x559.jpg 768w, https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/victim-640x466.jpg 640w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 692px) 100vw, 692px\" \/><\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Even as I ranted and raved, I judged myself&#8230;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong><em>\u201cI\u2019m a hypocrite\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong><em>\u201cI\u2019m a horrible coach\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p><strong><em>I should know better.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But I still felt he DESERVED my wrath!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>So I tried to work through it.<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I tried to process my feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Hoping that by allowing myself to feel those emotions, they would subside in about 5-10 minutes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But I was still so wired that I couldn&#8217;t sleep that night.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The next day I thought going on my run would change my perspective.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Finally, by that evening, I had created a plan I thought would work\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>I wasn\u2019t going to rely on my \u2018ex\u2019 for anything.<\/li><li>I was no longer going to let him run my life\u2026<\/li><li>I was no longer going to be a VICTIM.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p>I felt empowered for about 5 minutes.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Until I shared my plan with my coach&#8230;<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8230;and his coaching woke me up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">He said&#8230;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p><strong><em>You\u2019re never going to escape the limits of that relationship as long as you make your \u2018ex\u2019 out to be the \u2018villain.\u2019\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p><strong><em>As long as he\u2019s the \u2018villain\u2019, you\u2019ll have to be the \u2018victim\u2019.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">AND then I realized\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8230;the only person who could make me a victim was me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">My own thoughts and feelings created that victim identity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I realized that nothing outside of me could make me feel anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Because anytime you get angry with someone, <em>it actually has nothing to do with them<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You only feel that anger, or sadness, or hate&#8230;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8230;because YOU have a thought about them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A thought <em>about something they said<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A thought <em>about something they did<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And with all these ugly thoughts about my \u2018ex\u2019&#8230;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>I just stayed angry.<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8230;Which made me the victim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8230;Which made me powerless.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It wasn\u2019t until I took responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings that I finally felt free.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And the thought that lands best for me as I write this is&#8230;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p><strong><em>My \u2018ex\u2019 is human.<\/em><\/strong><\/p><p><strong><em>He\u2019s doing the best he can with the resources he has.<\/em><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>&#8230;and so am I.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>How did this transformation happen?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The process is simple:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If you can <em>control your own thoughts<\/em>&#8230;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8230;you can <em>control your emotions<\/em> and feel any way you want to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Your thoughts determine your focus and emotions, and hence your actions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">That means\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8230;no one can ruin your day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8230;no one can make you feel good about yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8230;no one can make you feel bad about yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&#8230;no one can stop you from being successful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">YOU control your own destiny.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Period.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group\"><div class=\"wp-block-group__inner-container is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\"><figure class=\"alignleft size-large is-resized\"><a href=\"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/bio-circles-jeffrey-t-sooey2.001.png\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/bio-circles-jeffrey-t-sooey2.001.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-26167\" width=\"209\" height=\"207\" srcset=\"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/bio-circles-jeffrey-t-sooey2.001.png 682w, https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/bio-circles-jeffrey-t-sooey2.001-300x298.png 300w, https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/bio-circles-jeffrey-t-sooey2.001-150x150.png 150w, https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/bio-circles-jeffrey-t-sooey2.001-640x635.png 640w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 209px) 100vw, 209px\" \/><\/a><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-medium-font-size wp-block-paragraph\"><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/bio\/colette-seymann\/\">Dr. Colette Coiner, PCC, PT, DPT, FAAOMPT<\/a><\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-medium-font-size wp-block-paragraph\">Associate Dean, <strong><a rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https:\/\/mastercoachuniversity.com\/about\/\" target=\"_blank\">Master Coach University<\/a><\/strong><br><strong><a href=\"mailto:drcolettecoiner@coachestrainingblog.com\">drcolettecoiner@coachestrainingblog.com<\/a><\/strong><br><strong>858-232-3739<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-social-links has-large-icon-size is-style-logos-only is-layout-flex wp-block-social-links-is-layout-flex\"><li class=\"wp-social-link wp-social-link-facebook wp-block-social-link\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/colette.seymann\" class=\"wp-block-social-link-anchor\"><svg width=\"24\" height=\"24\" viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" version=\"1.1\" xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M12 2C6.5 2 2 6.5 2 12c0 5 3.7 9.1 8.4 9.9v-7H7.9V12h2.5V9.8c0-2.5 1.5-3.9 3.8-3.9 1.1 0 2.2.2 2.2.2v2.5h-1.3c-1.2 0-1.6.8-1.6 1.6V12h2.8l-.4 2.9h-2.3v7C18.3 21.1 22 17 22 12c0-5.5-4.5-10-10-10z\"><\/path><\/svg><span class=\"wp-block-social-link-label screen-reader-text\">Facebook<\/span><\/a><\/li>\n\n<li class=\"wp-social-link wp-social-link-youtube wp-block-social-link\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/c\/MasterCoachUniversity\" class=\"wp-block-social-link-anchor\"><svg width=\"24\" height=\"24\" viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" version=\"1.1\" xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M21.8,8.001c0,0-0.195-1.378-0.795-1.985c-0.76-0.797-1.613-0.801-2.004-0.847c-2.799-0.202-6.997-0.202-6.997-0.202 h-0.009c0,0-4.198,0-6.997,0.202C4.608,5.216,3.756,5.22,2.995,6.016C2.395,6.623,2.2,8.001,2.2,8.001S2,9.62,2,11.238v1.517 c0,1.618,0.2,3.237,0.2,3.237s0.195,1.378,0.795,1.985c0.761,0.797,1.76,0.771,2.205,0.855c1.6,0.153,6.8,0.201,6.8,0.201 s4.203-0.006,7.001-0.209c0.391-0.047,1.243-0.051,2.004-0.847c0.6-0.607,0.795-1.985,0.795-1.985s0.2-1.618,0.2-3.237v-1.517 C22,9.62,21.8,8.001,21.8,8.001z M9.935,14.594l-0.001-5.62l5.404,2.82L9.935,14.594z\"><\/path><\/svg><span class=\"wp-block-social-link-label screen-reader-text\">YouTube<\/span><\/a><\/li><\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I just got off the phone with my coach. He told me to write this down immediately. So at the risk of sounding like a total drama queen&#8230; &#8230;I\u2019m sending this to you fresh and raw. So you (or your clients) never repeat the same mistake I just made. After 19 years of trying to [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":25960,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[2579,210],"tags":[2580,995],"class_list":["post-25958","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-positive-psychology-coaching-techniques","category-psychology-coaching","tag-positive-psychology-coaching-techniques","tag-psychology-coaching","entry"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/victim.jpg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25958","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=25958"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25958\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":25963,"href":"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25958\/revisions\/25963"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/25960"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=25958"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=25958"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/coachestrainingblog.com\/becomeacoach\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=25958"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}